Feeling the Bittersweet Emotions of Grief and Loss
“Come, ye disconsolate, wherever ye languish; Come to the Mercy seat, fervently kneel, Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish; Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.” ~ Thomas Moore
When I look back over my life, my forays into the past are illuminated with nostalgia, while at the same time, dimmed by my fading ability to recall things as they were. When it comes to grief and loss, those life-challenging moments are some of the hardest to process, manage, and let go. Sometimes, for years to come.
The year I turned fourteen, my dad was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. My dog, Trixie, was killed in a hit-and-run. And my aunt died in a car accident after being plowed into by a drunken driver. My father had been my symbol of strength; his hands, already deforming, had been my refuge. Trixie had been my faithful companion amidst the challenges of a move to a new town, where the social cliques rejected me and I lived in the shadows of constant bullying. My aunt was killed instantly, leaving my cousins without their mother, my mother without her sister. It was a really hard year. We all did our best to find our resilience and support one another, but the scars ran too deep and too wide and the traumas left us permanently damaged.
My father suffered from RA, a chronic, unrelenting auto-immune disease, for twenty years without a single remission. People called him stoic and brave. They marveled at his ability to keep smiling. The phrase that is most prolific in the collection of memories I still have from his celebration of life is how he never complained. And it’s true. Dad accepted life in a way I’ve never been able to, that inspired me, along with so many others.
I was thirty-three when my father passed away on Sunday, March 26, 2000, at the age of sixty-one. I had three young children and I was in an unhealthy, abusive marriage. My grief when my father died took me into the deepest, darkest despair I’d ever experienced. I felt lost, disorientated, and unable to make sense of my life without him. He’d been my rock, my steadfast foundation, and it broke my soul. I mourned my father for seven years before I finally came to realize, he’d never really left me; that we’re connected in spirit, for eternity. That his memories, our memories, live on.
“My father’s hands, they were my refuge. I don’t have the answers. All I have left are the memories, of the holding. I suppose it will have to be enough.” ~ from The Holding
As it turns out, it was enough. It took longer than I imagined, but then, I always have been slow to transition. Eleven years after my father’s physical body departed, I found the strength to leave a joyless marriage. I let go of the ties that bind and recovered my light from the ashes of darkness. It was hard work, and often lonely, but I discovered the woman I am, who I’d all but forgotten, in all her imperfection and glorious authenticity.
When I packed all of my earthly belongings into my little red Mazda and ventured out on my own to start over on Vancouver Island, the feeling of freedom was intoxicating. Yet, ironically, it wasn’t long before I was falling in love all over again; this time, with a gentle man who didn’t want to change or control me.
In the early days, one of the nicknames Mister gave me was Ms. Bubble Popper. While engaged in meaningful, open and honest conversation, he said he wanted the moment to last for always. I responded with, “this too shall pass, it is the nature of life; nothing lasts forever.” I wasn’t being a drama queen. I just knew from experience that hard times would continue to befall us. But I also knew something more. That I can trust the process of life. Holding hands and gazing into one another’s eyes and into our souls, we made a pledge that day; to endure the lows and enjoy the highs, together.
In 2017, our commitment was put to the hardest test we’d had yet. There were some really difficult life events before then, but this was a year of extremes. We experienced the highest highs we’d ever known – as well as the lowest lows. Our grief and loss didn’t manifest as the physical death of a loved one, but it was just as devastating. A disclosure was revealed, a truth so potent and heavy, I felt it would crush my heart and then annihilate my spirit. There were countless days when I was certain, I couldn’t live through the pain of my loss. This new truth changed everything I thought I knew about my past and turned my world upside down in ways that continue to knock me off my balance and induce tidal waves of tears.
And yet, I’m still standing. Me and Elton John, holding hands with all the others, past and present, who’ve had to face unthinkable situations that defy the laws of humanity. The list of injustices is far, far too long. Hurt people, who react with violence born from pain, perpetuating a seemingly never-ending cycle. I’ve often felt certain, it doesn’t have to be this way, and yet it is.
On July 31, 2023, my furry companion of almost seventeen years passed from this earthly existence into what lies beyond. I had the privilege of being with her, to hold and behold her tired soul as she departed. As I stroked her soft fur, tears streamed down my face. I whispered to her of heaven; of a place where she’d be free from her cancer-riddled body. A place limitless with love, where she could run like the wind, ears flopping, tongue-wagging, chasing leaves to her heart’s content. I told her what a good dog she was, and how much comfort she had brought me. I thanked her for being such a gentle, loving friend.
Lola’s presence filled so many spaces. I miss her, in countless moments, every day. And yet, I know and accept, it was her time. I believe she’ll live on, in my memories, for always. I take solace in the gift of her life. Thank you, dear Lola. God be with you; rest in peace.
As part of my grieving process, I’ve been listening to Eckhart Tolle podcasts on Oprah’s Super Soul platform. His teachings reminded me of some truths I knew, but had forgotten. He spoke about living in awareness of your higher self, from a place of consciousness, in the present moment, as the key to feeling at peace with life. I’m grateful, that each time I walk the path of suffering, I awaken, again. All is well. I can trust in Divine order and in the process of life.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but what I’ve come to learn is the wisdom my father lived; to trust and accept life as it is. We can’t change the world, bring peace on Earth and eliminate all evil forces. We can’t always protect the ones we think we’re supposed to, including ourselves. Yet every day we have a choice. We decide how we live in each moment. We can choose to love, to connect, to witness ourselves and each other in our imperfections with compassion, forgiveness, and empathy. We’re all doing our best, and that has to be enough.
So yeah, I’m feeling the bittersweet emotions of grief and loss.
COMING UP…
Books & Projects:
· All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.
Reviews & Interviews:
· June 24: The Rogue Scorpion Review by Jamie Michele for Readers’ Favorite
· July 14: Author Q&A with Sarah at Reading Nook
· July 17: Author interview with Bren Masson on Freshwaves Radio
· July 21: The Rogue Scorpion Review by Jane Riley on The Book Commentary
· TBD: The Rogue Scorpion Review by Molly Rockwood @ Rookwood Editing
· You can read reviews or listen to interviews on my website.
Events:
· August 09, 2023: Interview with Gerry D on Panama’s Cool FM 89.3 Breakfast Show (Scroll down to the last half hour of the show for my bit)
· August 16, 2023, 5:00-7:00 pm: FILPA, Panama’s International Book Fair in Panama City at the Atlapa Convention Centre.
· Stay tuned here and on social media—Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram—for video promotions I’ll be featured in, recorded by El Hombre de La Mancha bookstores.
YouTube Channel:
· Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.
· Watch The Holding trailer.
· Watch The Healing trailer.