The Forests of the In-between

Photo Credit: Johannes Plenio

“Trauma dissociates us from the parts of our body that are wounded, so we have to leave our whole body.” ~ Eve Ensler

In today’s blog, I’m sharing a passage from my unpublished manuscript, a psychological drama titled The Trials of Alex Anderson. It’s a character-driven story, with an unlikable protagonist who struggles with dissociative identity disorder. The inspiration for this scene came to me from a prompt during one of my Writing Group sessions at Tranquilo Retreat in Panama.

“The forests of the In-between have existed in my mind for as long as I can remember,” I say. “They used to bring me so much comfort, but they don’t anymore, and I don’t know why.”

            “Would you like to explore that further, using our regression therapy techniques?” Raymond asks.

            His voice trails over to me from behind his desk across the room, like the sound of leaves rustling in the breeze, soft and gentle. I can almost smell the musty moss floor of the In-between.

            “Yeah, I would,” I say. I uncross my legs and plant both feet on the ground. I close my eyes and lean my head back to rest on the edge of the chair. I sigh and then begin the deep breathing exercises I know as well as every passage the King wrote in The Dead Zone.

            “Do you feel totally relaxed?” Raymond asks.

“Yeah, I’m ready, let’s do this,” I say.

“Okay, let’s continue to journey backward in time, a day at a time,” Raymond says. When you first spot or become aware of the In-between, let me know and we’ll pause there.”

            “Okay,” I say. Already, Raymond’s voice feels further away, like a foghorn at sea. I can smell the salty freshness and even taste the ocean on my tongue. I realize, I’m going in the wrong direction, that the ocean is a terrifying place for me, and then suddenly, with absolute clarity, I realize, I’m not me; I’m Alan.

            I’m in shock, even though this has happened a thousand times in my life because I’ve been making so much progress with integrating my fragmented personalities. In fact, I can’t remember the last time Alan took over control.

            “That’s enough of this fucking bullshit,” Alan shouts. Underneath the bravado, I can hear the faintest tremble, and I know, he’s afraid. “You’ve really fucked things up this time, Dr. Know-it-all.”

            “Hello Alan,” Raymond says. He keeps his cool demeanour, as I’ve come to rely on. I’m grateful that I’m still present at least, hovering just above my body, with an excellent view of the stark, uninviting prison therapy room.

            “You think you’re so fucking clever, but you’re playing with a fire that’s hotter than you can comprehend and more lethal than you can imagine,” Alan says, each word a staccato burst of intensity. I don’t know how Raymond can sit there, unflinching, when I feel about ready to shit my pants. The violence that Alan emanates is visceral, as though every molecule in the room has turned death-black.

            “I don’t think I’m particularly clever,” Raymond says. “But don’t doubt for one second, I’m not afraid of you. My faith is one hundred percent in Alex.”

            “Well, you’re hedging your bets on the wrong guy, Raymond,” Alan says.

The way Alan draws out the s when he says bets sounds sinister, like a snake hissing, tongue out. From my place, half in the In-between now, wanting to retreat, but still half in the room, and surrounded by ocean waves, I’m willing Raymond to back down, knowing full well how things could go if he keeps pressing Alan’s buttons.

“When push comes to shove,” Alan continues, “it’s a sure thing; a full house with aces and kings, that Alex will disappear and leave me to do the hard stuff.”

“That may be your perspective,” Raymond says. “But your knowledge is extremely limited. You come off all bluster and cocky, but I know you’re the coward here. The truth is, I’ve been working with Alex for months now, and it’s him who has been running the show, as you put it, ninety-five percent of the time.”

There is a silence that follows, as loud as a firecracker. It literally bursts into the room. Raymond’s words seem to have snuffed out Alan’s ego in one fell swoop, and in the time it takes to inhale, I can feel my essence catapulting back into my body, while Alan’s disappears just as swiftly, like a magic act; the rabbit no longer in the hat, nor anywhere to be found. I experience an explosion of feeling as my consciousness brings back sensations, of my heart beating in my chest and my blood running through my veins.

COMING UP…

Books & Projects:

·      All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.

·      I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.

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YouTube Channel:

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·      Watch The Healing trailer.