Feeling Hopeful; Trusting the Process of Life

This month I’ve been exploring the theme of overcoming adversity, wondering, what is it that creates resilience in human beings? In guest blogs, I’ve written about factors like unconditional love, strong family foundations, spiritual beliefs and faith. In this post, I’m going to delve into the arena of your mental mindset and beliefs, with a focus on hope and how important it is to feel the possibility of change, especially during times when life feels heavy, sticky and just plain difficult.

“I’m feeling hopeful, again, and hope, it would seem, makes all the difference.”

This quote, taken from my novel, The Holding, which launches April 23, 2022, is a line from my main character Cate’s journal. She writes this not long after her marriage to John. On their wedding night, he drank too much, then forced her to have sex with him against her will. In the journal entry the following morning, she poured her feelings onto the page, “I feel like I’m drowning in my own tears. I can’t stop crying and when I do, it just feels as though they are trickling backward, down my throat, into the pit of my stomach.”

 It's astonishing, even for me, that mere weeks after writing she was drowning in her tears, Cate is feeling hopeful. Moreover, this scene takes place more than halfway through the story, after scene after scene of Cate enduring struggles, abuse, manipulation and trauma. Some readers might choose to substitute astonishing with incredulous, and perhaps even cringe as Cate stubbornly refuses to give up on some of the characters, like John, who say they’re sorry but continue to behave badly. But for me, Cate Henderson and I are inseparable. I’ve gotten used to my unwavering ability to feel hopeful, no matter how difficult the circumstances, and I’ve come to accept this as my nature.

For me, the bigger question is, why am I so hopeful? Is it a function of my genetics, my personality as a born optimist? Or is it the nurturing I received, through the love of my family, in particular the incredible bond and devotion with my father? I’m sorry to admit I don’t have the answer to my own question. But, since there is likely little one can do to change their inherited genetic predisposition, I’d like to examine how this quality of hopefulness can be nurtured and developed.

As it turns out, hope is a commonly studied psychological phenomenon. As far back as 2002, C.R. Snyder conducted research and wrote an article in Psychological Inquiry titled Hope Theory: Rainbows in the Mind. Snyder defines hope as “the perceived capability to derive pathways to desired goals, and motivate oneself via agency thinking to use those pathways.” From his observations, he concluded that people with higher hope consistency experienced better outcomes in physical, mental, and emotional wellness. 

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy are two similar practices that help people to learn a variety of skills, including hopefulness. While the cognitive approach focuses on reframing thoughts, the dialectical examines emotional responses. Hope therapies can include techniques such as talk therapy in one-on-one or group environments, positive self-talk, learning how to create positive support networks, and developing goals and healthy routines. Having their clients write down their thoughts and feelings in a journal is another way therapists help people to uncover limiting beliefs and reframe them with positive statements.

A good example of how this works is illustrated by the rape scene in The Holding. Several readers have asked me, how is it that Cate continues to trust? Hope theory seems to supply the answer as to how and why people like Cate and myself remain hopeful, trusting and optimistic after enduring such deceit. It seems likely that we have learned that to achieve our goals of connection in relationship, we need to create successful pathways. We therefore choose not to over-generalize the behaviour of one person into a belief that all people are untrustworthy. We follow the life-affirming pathway of forgiveness and believe in people’s ability to change, including our own.

This might sound easy, but it isn’t always comfortable to change our beliefs and it can be extremely difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you deeply. If you grew up with certain ideas about life, those beliefs can feel like truth and they can even become a part of our very identity. We aren’t even aware that our thoughts are choices, perspectives, and opinions that may or may not hold true. If we don’t stop to examine our beliefs, they can continue to propel us in directions that no longer serve us and perhaps never did.

If we go back to the situation with Cate after the rape, her belief in human nature as good and her willingness to trust again is a life-affirming, positive choice because it has her able to move on and form deep, loving relationships. But her decision to stay with John, which is also somewhat determined by her beliefs around marriage and commitment, has a negative life consequence. She gives him more chances than are reasonable or deserved. But eventually, even Cate reaches a point where she can no longer be well if she stays with John and finally leaves him. I don’t get that far into the story in The Holding and when The Healing opens, Cate has already made the decision to leave, but trust me, in real life, that choice wasn’t easy. 

The truth is, even with all the love and positive early experiences, even with my optimistic nature and the resilience that came from overcoming adversity, putting my wellbeing first and leaving an abusive relationship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I did need help. I had to learn new ways of thinking and behaving. It took years of therapy and practice putting the concepts into action to find the courage.

The good news is, no matter where you are on the journey, it’s all a part of your unique process. There is no one way to live this crazy, beautiful life of a human being on planet Earth. We all get some things right, some things wrong. We’re all evolving to the best of our ability. We can trust in the process of life and have faith that everything is unfolding as it should.

So yeah, I’m feeling hopeful, trusting the process of life.