Feeling Brave, Willing to be Vulnerable and Share Openly

As part of my on-going quest to improve my social media platforms, I shared some of the obstacles and challenges I have identified with my dear friend and fellow entrepreneur, Christina. She encouraged me to consider using my serious skill set as a meticulous planner to create long-term themes and goals and organize a posting schedule. I took her advice and sketched out a three-month outline. November’s theme is authenticity and I’ll be exploring what authenticity means while answering the question, “who is Lynda Faye Schmidt?”

Authentic (au-then-tic; adjective) 1. Not false or copied; 2. Trustworthy; 3. Valid; 4. In style of original period.

            As I reflected on this definition, the first thing that came to mind is that I’m definitely not living in a false or copied way. But that hasn’t always been the case. I’m trustworthy, but that doesn’t preclude having ever been dishonest. My authentic self has evolved and changed over the years, but that doesn’t make it less valid. Every version of who I am was true at the time. Everyone transforms, although some of us do so more rapidly and intentionally than others. Regardless of how much we shift, I also believe we each have a core unique self that is eternal. When we stay true to self, it is part of living our purpose.

I’m someone who feels and thinks deeply. I’m an emotional creature and super sensitive. I’m open and honest, optimistic and joyful. I am nurturing, intuitive, compassionate, empathetic, curious, spiritual, and trusting. I have expressed my attributes in my roles, labels and identifications of self in different ways across time. A daughter, sister, mother, lover and friend. A teacher, blogger, and storyteller who writes from the heart.

In my experience, it is the extreme hardships and the ultimate joys that impact us most and have the greatest opportunity to be life-changing. I’ve identified both the challenges and the love that has influenced me the most along the way. 

The earliest trauma I remember is being sexually abused at the age of four. I reveal the pain of how that experience affected me in my soon to be released novel, The Holding. Other life tribulations that are exposed in the novel include childhood bullying and being diagnosed with a chronic illness. Grief and loss are two of the most significant themes, but love is the thread that weaves through everything and transforms the suffering into strength and resilience.

I’ve written about one of the most life-changing experiences I’ve endured in both The Holding and The Healing. I was in an abusive relationship for twenty-six years. Being subjected to on-going, chronic emotional, verbal and sexual abuse chipped away at my self-esteem and eroded my self-confidence. The hardest part was that he could also be loving, supportive and kind. I never knew which side of his polar personality was going to show up and ended up walking around on eggshells. What I didn’t cover in either novel was how that situation culminated in September, 2007, when I felt so over-whelmed, I was seriously considering taking my own life. 

I played with the possibilities of “accidently” over-dosing on insulin or conversely, stop taking insulin altogether so that I would drift into a diabetic coma. I imagined driving my van into on-coming traffic. But instead of destroying my own life, I found the courage to voluntarily commit myself into a short-term mental health facility. I worked with a team, including a psychiatrist, nurse and social worker. I attended group sessions. I started medication. I had to take off the multitude of figurative bandages I’d applied to my wounds, and do the hard inner work before I could find the healing. I realized that the answers weren’t “out there” where I’d been looking and embarked on an inward journey to reconnect with my spirit.

Spirit (spir ret; noun) 1. Life force of a person that characterizes them as a human being; 2. Will; 3. Disposition; 4. Enthusiasm; 5. Attitude; 6. Real meaning; 7. Person; 8. Soul

            As I learned to listen to my spirit, which I had pushed down and ignored, the light that had come close to being extinguished brightened. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a slow process that involved therapy, journaling and yoga. I had to learn how to create healthy boundaries. I developed a list of anxiety-reducing mantras and I rekindled my prayer practice while learning about meditation and mindfulness. 

Once I felt strong again, I tried to heal my broken marriage, still burdened by the ties that bind, of my commitment and values. It wasn’t until the summer of 2011 when my youngest child graduated from high school that I felt able to let go. I embraced a life of freedom from fear. I packed up and moved to Vancouver Island where I uncovered my authentic self and learned to love her. That story is revealed in my novel, The Healing.

I was among the fortunate few, born into a family where both of my parents loved me. I have always felt loved by my mother, father and brother. But the relationship with my father was the most transformational. It wasn’t about choosing and it has nothing to do with comparison. It just was. I believe we shared a deep soul connection that is rare. When you feel it you, you know it, and it’s something you treasure beyond measure.

Love transformed me each time I conceived a beautiful being in my womb. Each experience was unique, but with each of my three pregnancies, I felt connected to the person growing inside me even before I could feel them physically. I delighted in each arrival into the world and found so much joy in the miracle of witnessing them grow and change from infants to adults. The joys of mothering continued to expand when, much later in life, I adopted my daughter. Whatever challenges being a parent has brought me, and there have been many, the love supersedes it all and I’m so grateful.

My move to Vancouver Island was a much-welcomed, life-changing event that brought me to my soul mate, David. The kind of loving relationship we share is so unique, but the most like the one I had with my father; one of those incredibly rare experiences where two people can truly accept one another unconditionally because they are so aligned. Our love feels like flow, our connection feels rooted in the Divine and it is the foundation of everything we do.

Coming full-circle, having re-traced the path of my life, I come back to the question, who is Lynda Faye Schmidt? She’s certainly not as naïve and trusting as she once was, but she is the same hard-core dreamer who embraces life full-on, who thrives on connection. Along the way, I’ve learned so much. Life is as challenging as ever, but now I have the wisdom to accept life in all its untidy glory and a few pretty kick-ass tools and coping strategies too.

There aren’t many things I know for sure. I know that love makes the hard times endurable. I know we are all connected. I’m sure that choices are only kick-off points to a directional path. Joy and light are inside us and are eternal. I know that writing and the search for truth are my passions. I trust the process of life. I love and approve of myself. All is well.

So yeah, I’m feeling brave, willing to be vulnerable and share openly.