Healthy Boundaries
Photo Credit: Nik Shuliahin
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~ Brene Brown
Today’s musings on healthy boundaries is the final blog in February’s relationship series. I believe that most of us would struggle to answer the question of just what a boundary is. American academic and podcaster Brené Brown defines boundaries as, “What’s okay and what is not okay.” She believes boundaries are about respect for yourself and others.
I imagine boundaries in relationships to be like those between countries; lines that define where one ends and the other begins. Without them, we can lose awareness of our separate identities, responsibilities, values, thoughts, actions, and even feelings. It’s clear that knowing your own boundaries is essential, and for me, Brené’s definition is helpful.
Last weekend Mister shared a video with me titled, The Importance of Relationships, presented by ARC speaker Erica Kumisar and the messages really impacted me. Instantly the cogs of my brain started turning, wondering how I could incorporate them into this blog on healthy boundaries. But as soon as I read Brené’s definition, I watched it again from that framework and had an epiphany that fired me up and drew me to my notepad and keyboard.
I encourage you to click on the link and watch the presentation with the idea in your mind that boundaries respect what is okay and what is not okay. I wrote two columns on a blank page of lined paper: Okay and Not Okay. The lists I came up with were long, but I feel compelled to share them with you today to highlight how complex and multifaceted healthy boundaries are.
Not Okay
Fear, self-absorption, narcissistic behaviours, materialism, putting career above family, addiction, mental illness, poverty, emotional fragility, a societal value of money over family, rejection, judgement, criticism, shame, neglect, trauma, deficiency, disconnection, abandonment, irresponsibility, violence, oppression, abuse, attachment disorders.
Okay
Love, self-love, service, self-esteem, responsibility, nurturing yourself and others, sacrifice, hardship, resilience, secure attachment, self-care, emotional intelligence, support, sensitivity, empathy, sympathy, compassion, safety, personal space, kindness, acceptance, dignity, autonomy, equal access to education, equal access to economic opportunity, sovereignty.
What is and isn’t okay is different for everyone, but I believe these lists reflect fundamental human rights that some of us have been taught or conditioned to believe are not ours to claim due to our gender, race, sexual orientation, or faith. Some people brought up in an environment stacked full of not-okay behaviours and situations aren’t even aware that the dysfunction is not “normal” and certainly not okay.
I found the part in the video about nurturing children particularly impactful. It was extremely difficult for me to swim against the current of going back to work immediately following my maternity leave. I felt pressured to be ambitious in my career over dedicated to my children. In the thirty years since I’ve birthed children into the world, it’s only gotten harder. There are increased economic strains and less support for parents to choose to raise their own children.
When a society doesn’t value family or the vital role of mothers and fathers in the development of healthy, adapted children, social supports aren’t in place. I agree with Erica Kumisar’s position that governments need to institute paid leave initiatives. Other countries have already paved the way and demonstrated that it’s not only possible but can be prosperous for all.
It’s long been known that the Scandinavian countries have a higher quality of life overall. According to a 2024 study at Wharton of 17,000 people in 89 countries, they still are. Using metrics of affordability, low unemployment, economic stability, family-centred, income equality, political stability, safety, and excellent public education and healthcare systems, the top-rated countries in the world were Denmark, Sweden, and Switzerland.
In Denmark, they do pay high taxes—50% of their income in fact. But their governments use tax money for the benefit of all citizens. All residents receive free quality healthcare, subsidized childcare, and free public education, including university. The elderly are valued, and families are supported to care for their children and elders. There is less crime, fewer health challenges, longer life expectancy, and overall people report high levels of happiness.
The ARC video on the importance of relationships and family conveyed the good news that we can change the course of the trajectory we’re on if as society’s we make different choices that reflect family and relationship-centred values. I embrace the idea of parents being encouraged to model to their children that giving and self-sacrifice are pleasurable, meaningful, and valuable.
When we teach and model the joy of responsible citizenship, everyone benefits. I believe that family is the foundation of a healthy society. As Erica states, “We can have everything in life, but not at the same time.” The situation here in Canada, and other parts of the world, is critical. It demands a commitment to change. The solutions require teamwork, hard choices, and sacrifice.
To bring it all back to the theme of healthy boundaries, and Brené’s definition of “what’s okay and not okay,” it’s not okay for human beings not to feel safe. Every person should have access to food, shelter, and clothing as a minimum standard. It’s not okay to attack or aggress against others. It isn’t okay for government policies to discriminate against any members of society.
I want to close with an appeal for all of us to love ourselves and one another even when we risk disappointing others, going against the grain, facing retaliation or being intimidated. Let’s work together to create a world where it’s possible to have healthy relationships. I hope you’ll join me, dear reader, by encouraging yourself and others to learn, grow, and change.
COMING UP…
Books & Projects:
· All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.
· I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.
Reviews & Interviews:
· You can read, listen, or watch a large selection of reviews and interviews on my website.
Events:
· There are no events currently scheduled in my calendar.
YouTube Channel:
· Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.
· Watch The Holding trailer.
· Watch The Healing trailer.