Letting Go With Grace
Photo Credit: Daria Drewnoska
“The sooner we let go of holding on, the sooner we can hold on to the beauty of what's unfolding before us. Nothing was ever meant to stay the same forever.” ~ Julieanne O’Connor
Letting go is hard to do. Little things, like comforting habits we know don’t serve us. Big things, like people we love beyond measure, but who don’t love us back. It’s even harder to let go of love with grace, because it hurts so much. When someone we love blames, shames, and criticizes us, it can land as a betrayal. A deep wound pierces our hearts. It is vitally important to let go in peace and goodwill, wishing them the best. To replace hurt with compassion and acceptance.
I’m going out on a vulnerability limb and sharing my personal struggle on the letting go with grace journey. I’ve been challenged to let go of some of the most significant people in my life since a disclosure in 2017 tore my world apart. Seven years in the desert; literally and figuratively. Narratives have exploded about who did what when; all rooted in the past and in pain. I was kicked out of the club of belonging and asked to carry a cross that isn’t mine to bear. The poison entered my bloodstream and started eating me from the inside out.
For seven years, I’ve been trying to reconcile, while at the same time hold onto my own truth. In 2018, the toxic energy claimed the entire left side of my body from head to toe. I had frozen shoulder, bursitis, and sciatica nerve damage confirmed by an MRI. I could barely walk or sit. Corpse pose was too difficult and in truth, I felt dead inside. I was given cortisone injections and pain medications. I went for physiotherapy. By November 2019 I was only getting worse.
In desperation, Mister supported me to seek alternative medicine from a gifted healer in St. Annes, UK. Utilizing a unique body-mind-spirit intensive therapeutic process, my healer uncovered a green snake of betrayal coiled up in my left ovary. Yes, it was a symbolic representation, but trust me, it felt real enough. A solid steel ball-bearing was lodged in my right ovary. My healer helped me to release both of them from my body.
It was miraculous to witness my frozen shoulder suddenly thaw before our eyes. It was mind-blowing to feel the release as heavy toxins rocketed out of my reproductive organs and into the universe in an explosion of a million shards of light.
In 2021, the temporary relief vanished when one of the bridges of reconciliation was raised up again. New symptoms began to take root in my body and mind. I was plagued with nightmares which resulted in poor sleep. My blood sugar leapt to fantastical heights and dropped to terrifying lows. My digestive system seized up. I was gaining weight, all around my middle, despite eating and exercising the same as I’d always done. An old cycle was taking over.
When we moved back to Canada last November 2023 under the duress of Mister’s emergency health situation, I never imagined it would end up being a gift of wellness for both of us. Once things began to settle for him and he was well on the road to recovery, I started seeing a psychologist. I felt emboldened to seek reconciliation, but my attempt failed.
Meanwhile, my symptoms of unwellness persisted. An ultrasound confirmed a diagnosis of Adenomyosis of the uterus. No surprise, more reproductive organ disease. The tissue lining my uterine wall is thickening, breaking down, and seeping into the muscle. It is enlarged and very painful. I’ve been referred to a gynecologist, an appointment pending in early December.
In further investigation, a Cat Scan has revealed a blockage in my intestines as well. My Gastroenterologist appointment isn’t until May 2025. Endure, endure. But as I continue my work with meditation and prayer, the knowing, that I need to let go and stop labouring in vain to repair something unrepairable, persists. I can’t convince them I’m worthy and deserve their forgiveness. I have to lovingly forgive and release, but how?
When Mister underwent another very complicated surgery in October, the answer came to me. I was struggling to cope with various setbacks he was having when another family member suddenly stopped communicating. No explanation. No asking after Mister’s wellbeing. He who has been nothing but kind, generous and supportive. It was the final straw that broke my will to hold on. I’m no longer willing to keep dragging myself through broken glass.
I’ve realized that nothing I do will ever be enough. What I’ve known in my head for seven years has landed in my heart. This isn’t mine to repair, fix, forgive or undo. The past cannot be undone. It can be healed, but each of us has to do our own work. I’m no longer willing to accept disrespectful behaviour. I’m no longer willing to hold onto hurt, pain and negativity. I’m ready to let go with grace. I lovingly release the past and accept the beauty that is unfolding in the now.
COMING UP…
Books & Projects:
· All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.
· I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.
Reviews & Interviews:
· You can read, listen, or watch a large selection of reviews and interviews on my website.
Events:
· There are no events currently scheduled in my calendar.
YouTube Channel:
· Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.
· Watch The Holding trailer.
· Watch The Healing trailer.