Healthy Relationships Start with You
Photo Credit: Nijwam Swargiary
“The understanding of type can make your perceptions clearer, your judgments sounder, and your life closer to your heart’s desire.” ~ Isabel Briggs Myers
I really enjoyed writing January’s blog series, and I’ve decided to continue using a framework for February. This month my theme is Healthy Relationships. It is my experience that relationships are what matter most to us and that everything is rooted in our innate desire to love and be loved. Over the next four weeks I’m exploring what I believe are essential elements of healthy relationships: self-awareness, expectations, communication, and boundaries.
Today I’m unpacking how self-awareness impacts our relationships. Many people, including me, struggle with the idea of taking responsibility for their relationships. They blame the other person for every problem or want a partner to complete them. It may appear romantic in movies like Gerry McGuire, but in real life it’s a recipe for disaster. I know this from experience.
What makes a healthy relationship is complicated and different with every person you interact with, but it starts with you. Understanding your personality strengths and weaknesses can inform your relational style. Uncovering your heart’s desire and what you expect from people in your life can help you to navigate the difficult times and get the most out of the good times too.
Instead of completing you, healthy partnerships complement one another. This can happen spontaneously, without effort. You meet someone and almost instantly things seem to click. But more often, relationships take effort and commitment. Knowing what kind of personality you have is a great starting point for recognizing how others perceive you.
I found the Myers-Briggs personality quiz highly accurate and extremely helpful in advancing my self-awareness. Sixteen personality types are categorized into personality preference pairs like extraversion/introversion and sensing/intuition. My type is the ENFJ. Passionate encouragers, ENJFs are attracted to careers that lift up others. I was a teacher for over twenty years, and I thrived supporting my students to discover their strengths and build confidence.
The Myers-Briggs summary provided some new insights into my strengths and weaknesses while affirming many I was already well aware of. It was spot-on identifying that I’m someone who is eager to establish loving commitment, and just knowing my partner is happy brings me great joy. I found the feedback instrumental in helping me to take responsibility for the ways in which I contribute to relationship breakdown and to make conscious choices to change.
Most of us can further develop our self-awareness, but being cognizant of what makes other people tick isn’t as easy. In a relationship, it’s common to blame the other person when conflict arises, but it takes two people to disagree. The more time you invest into understanding your partner, parent, child, or friend, the better you can adapt your behaviours to create flow.
I had my first child when I was seventeen. I didn’t have time to get to know who I was as an adult. Just making ends meet as a single mother and putting myself through university consumed all my time and energy. I was a confident young woman, but insecure about my marital status. A romantic at heart, I was determined to find a husband instead of staying focused on my own path.
I wanted my little girl to have everything, including a father. I chose a man who seemed to check all the right boxes on paper, despite my intuition warning me and a thousand red flags. I married him when I was twenty-three without really knowing who I was or who he was. I made the huge mistake of thinking my love could change him or at least help him be a better man. I used to beat myself up for all the pain that decision caused my children and me, but now I remind myself, that two incredible people exist because of it, and I have no regrets.
It took years of broken promises before I found the courage to leave my first marriage. Over those years, I invested a great deal of time, money and energy learning about what healthy relationships look like. I read mountains of books and received therapy with skilled counsellors. When I finally left him, I’ll never forget the freedom and peace I felt. When I met Mister, I’d done the work, and I knew without question, we were an excellent match.
The self-reflection and research I did over those years doesn’t only benefit my relationship with Mister, it benefits my other relationships too. I haven’t figured it all out and I still make plenty of mistakes, but I’ve learned about healthy boundaries and communication. Those are topics for the weeks to come. For now, dear reader, I encourage you to expand your self-awareness journey to create healthier, happier relationships and come closer to fulfilling your heart’s desire.
COMING UP…
Books & Projects:
· All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.
· I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.
Reviews & Interviews:
· You can read, listen, or watch a large selection of reviews and interviews on my website.
Events:
· There are no events currently scheduled in my calendar.
YouTube Channel:
· Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.
· Watch The Holding trailer.
· Watch The Healing trailer.