Realistic Expectations
Photo Credit: Everton Vila
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” ~ Donald Miller
Last week I kicked off February’s Healthy Relationships series with a blog post about how self-awareness is the key starting point. This week I’m writing about the importance of having realistic expectations. We need to be mature enough to recognize that people are going to make mistakes and keep an attitude of forgiveness if we want our relationship with them to flourish.
When we hold onto perceived wrong-doings, we build resentment, which can become like a poison in relationships. When we let go of our grievances and focus on the good things we like and appreciate about others, we’re happier, and so are they. Never try to change someone. Even the little things. It’s disrespectful to them and you when you don’t accept people as they are.
When we constantly bring up people’s faults and remind them of everything they’ve ever done wrong since the beginning of time, we end up magnifying the very things we’re unhappy about. We create drama instead of peace. But when we point out their great qualities, not only do we see them in their best light, they feel better about themselves. It’s a win-win.
I’ve posted before about how difficult I found it to live up to some people’s expectations of me. Two of my daughters have been extremely critical of how I parented them. They constantly reminded me of all the mistakes I made and compared me to some perfect ideal they had of how a mother should behave towards her children. I know I screwed up. I know I made some poor choices. But I also did a lot of things well, and there were a few things I excelled at.
I’m not saying they never appreciated the good things. The truth is our relationship breakdown is far more complicated than unrealistic expectations. However, whether the issues are big or small, an attitude of forgiveness can make such a difference. None of us can undo the past, and as soon as someone takes responsibility for their wrong-doings, it is disrespectful to ever bring it up again.
The pressures that piled on top of one another eventually eroded my relationship with one daughter, to the point that we’re no longer in communication. With the other, it’s an on and off again situation that is almost as stressful. It’s such a tragic loss for all of us because we love each other so much. But at the end of the day, there is no one to blame. It’s just the reality of how trauma can cause irreparable damage to even our closest relationships.
When we live in a state of unforgiveness and demand perfection from others, it can have devastating repercussions, even when there isn’t a trauma at the core. We need to stop before we criticize others and ask ourselves, are we perfect? Do we want all our mistakes put under a magnifying glass and reported on every day for the rest of our lives? Why turn a small rip in the fabric into a gigantic tear when we can choose to sew up the seam? What we nurture grows.
I urge you, dear reader, to meditate on these words. Reflect on the relationships in your life and consider those that matter most. Cultivate them with kind words, love, and forgiveness. If there are people you feel aren’t worth the effort, instead of judging them and listing all their faults, let them go. Move forward. Relationships shift and change. Some people are in your life for a season or a reason, not a lifetime.
I have witnessed the power of positive affirmations, compliments, and strength-based leadership in the workplace as well. As a teacher, I found that the principal of a school really set the tone. When there was a critical person at the helm, staff morale tended to run low, and my colleagues complained more. On the other hand, when the principal was upbeat and gave constructive feedback, productivity and job satisfaction soared.
Being secure allows you to not take what other people say or do personally. Stay confident in your self-worth and don’t compromise to please other people. Life is short, and there are so many people out there who will love and accept you as you are. You don’t need to change or beat yourself up. I’m choosing to focus my time and energy on gratitude for all the people who accept me as I am. What about you? Do you have realistic expectations in your relationships?
COMING UP…
Books & Projects:
· All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.
· I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.
Reviews & Interviews:
· You can read, listen, or watch a large selection of reviews and interviews on my website.
Events:
· There are no events currently scheduled in my calendar.
YouTube Channel:
· Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.
· Watch The Holding trailer.
· Watch The Healing trailer.