Miraculously My Own
“Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn’t grow under my heart but in it.” ~ Fleur Conkling Heyliger
The road I’ve taken as an adoptive mother has surprised me at many a turn. It was and continues to be one of those unexpected gifts that feel like a Divine hand is at work. April 23 will mark the eleventh anniversary of the official adoption, but that isn’t where the story begins.
The magical unfolding of serendipitous events began before I met my daughter. I had recently moved from Calgary to Vancouver Island. She was attending school at Shawnigan Lake. Her stepfather (Mister) had travelled from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, to support her during a time of great need. Her counsellor was my oldest, biological daughter’s best friend.
I got a call out of the blue, “Would you consider meeting up with this girl’s father, who doesn’t know a soul, and showing him around town?” I don’t know what compelled me, but I said yes. Through a series of texts, we arranged to meet for lunch. When I walked in the restaurant, I didn’t know what he looked like. I was expecting a Saudi Arabian. Then a man with remarkable blue eyes stood up and waved. He took my hand in greeting, and an electrical pulse shot through me.
His stepdaughter was sitting at the table with him. I hadn’t anticipated that either. Something took hold in my heart when I saw this beautiful girl. Raven-haired, with eyes dark as ebony, deep pools that held secrets I felt certain I could drown in. She radiated a vulnerability that spoke of deep hurts, and I couldn’t help but wonder, what was her story?
Mister and I met for lunch, just the two of us, a few days later. Over four hours of engaged and present conversation, a seed of love was planted, only we didn’t know it then. Over the course of our courtship, I came to know everything about him, and a lot about her history. I won’t disclose that here, but trust me when I say she had more than her share of adversity in her young life.
As a teacher, I’d worked with adolescents with a variety of trauma and mental health challenges. I was familiar with the walls-up, bridge-up protective mechanism, and knew I had to earn her trust. Just as our coming together felt like Providence, it seemed as though our tentative grasps at creating a relationship were supported by skills beyond my gifts and talents.
On Mother’s Day, the three of us shared a family picnic by the lake. She made it clear that I was welcome into the fold because I loved her Papa and made him happy, but I still had some tests to pass with her. I didn’t succeed with all of them, but I did with some, and more importantly, I didn’t stop trying my best.
When she made the decision to change schools for her last year of high school, Mister made the choice to quit his job in Saudi Arabia. They were looking for a place to rent in Victoria, and I’d just been hired by a school in the Colwood district. On the day they had a viewing, they invited me to join them, and after she decided it was the perfect place, she asked me if I would like to be roomies with them. I was blown away by the gesture, and despite the voices in my head whispering it was too soon, too risky, I said yes.
During that year, we became a family. It wasn’t all rainbows and candy. There were plenty of tough moments, but it was real life, and we were all committed. Mister and I enrolled in a parenting course and picked up a few helpful skills. She went for counselling. My furry companion, Lola, was our team therapy dog. Over long walks by the ocean and long talks on the big red couch, we navigated the new terrain with tentative but sturdy steps.
By the time she graduated from high school in 2013, we’d become infinity family. When she chose to go to university in Toronto, we bought her a ring and made up a certificate as symbols of our commitment to her. Life was defined by uncertainty, upheaval, and change.
Mister and I were content living together on Vancouver Island, exploring our options for next steps. We both had extremely challenging first marriages, and neither one of us felt the need for a legal ceremony. But when he ended up accepting a new contract to work as an instructor pilot at his old workplace in Riyadh, the customs of the Islamic country required us to be wed.
We exchanged our vows in a quiet ceremony at an idyllic vineyard on Vancouver Island on January 10, 2014. It was just the two of us, my mom and a friend as witnesses, the photographer, and the justice of the peace. After a short honeymoon in Vegas, we were in discussion over FaceTime with our daughter when she asked if we were glad to be legally married. When we said yes, she paused for a moment and then said she would like to be legally our daughter too.
We didn’t waste a moment diving into the process. The next steps on our journey were also supported by angels. Mister’s good friend gave us the contact of his lawyer in Toronto. We flew there to meet with her, and in the space of a millisecond, we trusted her. She warned us there was no precedent for adult adoption without consent from the biological parents, that the process could be long and expensive, but we were all in.
I’ll never forget the day we went to court for a hearing to petition that the judge waive the need for parental consent. April 23, 2014. We were all a ball of nerves, on pins and needles as the proceedings got underway. When the judge announced her decision, to not only waive the need for consent, but to grant the request for adoption, we sat there in shock for a few eternal seconds, then turned to one another and embraced as tears flowed freely down our cheeks.
On the way back to our apartment, we stopped at a liquor store to purchase a bottle of champagne. We called Mister’s parents on FaceTime, and the five of us toasted the miracle of what had just transpired. Over a celebratory dinner that evening, I felt gratitude overflowing. I’d always wanted four children, but because of health issues, I had to stop at three. I never imagined in a million years my wish would be granted, years later, in the way that it was.
Initially, I held an optimistic and unrealistic expectation that the adoption would transform all my daughter’s challenges like a wave of a magic wand. But like most things in life, it took time for her to find her way. The road my daughter chose was not the one I thought she needed to take, but it was the right choice for her. I couldn’t see it until after things started to fall into place, with the perfect twenty-twenty vision of hindsight. Another lesson, to trust the process.
I witness the miracle of my daughter’s reclamation of her life, beauty for ashes, every day. I give thanks for our conscious choice to be a family with a joyful heart. Her healing process of self-love continues, but she’s overcome so many obstacles, it takes my breath away. I am grateful for the many milestones she’s achieved on her journey and for how our relationship has evolved. It wasn’t one thing, it was everything. It wasn’t linear. And it’s still happening.
I’ve learned that in life, sometimes family isn’t who you think. It isn’t always flesh of flesh, bone of bone. Family is an expression of unconditional love and acceptance. It’s people who are there for you in good times and bad, in sickness and health. Like it’s written in traditional wedding vows. Family is a choice you make and a commitment that is unwavering.
COMING UP…
Books & Projects:
· All four of my books are available online at Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, and Barnes & Noble. You can also find them at select Chapters-Indigo and El Hombre de la Mancha bookstores.
· I am pursuing representation from a traditional publisher for my fifth literary fiction, a psychological drama that explores the complexities of mental illness and trauma. Stay in touch by signing up for my blog or following me on social media to find out when it will be published.
Reviews & Interviews:
· You can read, listen, or watch a large selection of reviews and interviews on my website.
Events:
· There are no events currently scheduled in my calendar.
YouTube Channel:
· Watch The Rogue Scorpion trailer.
· Watch The Holding trailer.
· Watch The Healing trailer.